My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
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