where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Randomize
