you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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