i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
