he told me I talked like a deaf person
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm too high and old for this...
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
