Sorry, I don't speak sober.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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