The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
