We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
