suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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