ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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