the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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