cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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