my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
