If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
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