thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
