I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
