I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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