Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
