When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
