also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
