bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
