So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Randomize
