I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
