just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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