he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
