I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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