your thong is hanging out like whoa
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
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