How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Randomize
