just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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