i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You're like the curious george of whores
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
