we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I still have a little drunk in my system
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
