woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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