you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
