i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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