Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
