Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
