Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
