John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
