I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
