well you can't waste a boner
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
