Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
