Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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