she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
