My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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