Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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