next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Randomize
