this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
