Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
