New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
