I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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