I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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