I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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