she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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