too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
