her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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