I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
