You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
