im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
She said her name was "party"
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Randomize
