Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
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We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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