Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
