Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
