i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
home. puking in laundry basket.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
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